Monday, March 20, 2017

A lament on waiting

One of the hardest parts of every single day of my life is waiting.
Waiting for people who are late for appointments.
Waiting for people who have yet to wake up and read their email. Waiting for them to decide to respond. Waiting for volunteers to have time to read email and feel like responding. Waiting for things to get done at another person's pace although you know time is of the essence in almost everything. Waiting for a Skype or phone call while the other person forgets and feeling like you cannot afford to get mad. Waiting for the moment as you work late when you will start feeling dizzy at your desk but need to push so that at least things on your desk will get done on time.
Waiting, and biting back the goading and pushing, and remembering to always sound abjectly grateful--you have no idea how stressful this can be. My ego is daily subdued by continuing to depend on other people for all sorts of things--their time, their money, their effort, their attention.
I will end this life having learnt great patience despite my fundamental impatience and a Bombayite's deeply embedded sense of urgency.
In my next life, I want to be surrounded by speedy people and the luxury of leisurely creation.
And I want never ever to put people in the position in which I constantly am-- of quelling anxiety and hypertension as I wait; of tempering the need to scream at them; of feeling very small because I depend on their goodwill; of feeling helpless; of knowing that a decade of just waiting for other people has decimated my stamina to the point that even tasks I can execute on my own now take help.

Monday, January 2, 2017

Thoughts about time and work

No, this is not an economic analysis of anything, although economics are surely on most Indian minds now.

It's near the end of the first working day of my shiny new 2017 timetable which is still redolent with good intentions and determination. I have spent the half-the-day on my other work and taken the second half of the day for what I think of as my own or actual work.

Today, my own work has been pottering and reading at random. I have discovered articles from 2016 via the Pocket App that I installed with a view to reviving an old project. The articles I have read were interesting and thought-provoking but I will not use them anywhere. Except to think and grow.

As the day closes, I feel like I have not used it optimally. Have I achieved anything, made any progress? Ironically, one of the articles I read reflects on this need we all have to be constantly engaged in what we imagine is a purposeful fashion. We cannot just be.

This afternoon, aside from some annoying bureaucratically mandated interruptions, I have just been. I have drifted, I have read, I have had the occasional thought. My thoughts have wandered. I have not produced anything or checked off anything, so has it been a waste?

I must ask if this will be how I measure the value of my new time-table. Is the purpose of the new time-table to carve space for me to be myself--without an audience, without a goal--or is to produce X deliverables by year-end? I know the first is indispensable to the second, and I know too, that the first is now desperately necessary in my life.

Perhaps my first goal for my new time-table should be to re-define what would be a good use of my time, and start thinking of this letting go, this just-being, this reclaiming me for myself as more than enough.

PS: Incidentally, my friend and I have a new blogpact this year. We fell far short of last year's targets but are happy, like Insy Winsy Spider, to start over and try again! 

Saturday, December 3, 2016

Letterbox Resistance: A Campaign after my heart!

I want to cross-post this from Campaign Chronicle, the Prajnya 16 Days Campaign against Gender Violence blog. 
True confession: Through the first three decades of my life, I was what one might call an inveterate, unstoppable letter-writer, where letter was a composition written by hand on paper. You might say, therefore, that the Letterbox Resistance activity was bound to be something I enjoyed.
First, the preparations! The design of the little cards with the campaign logo. The campaign logo stamp. The colour paper and envelopes. The bonafide 50 paise postcards. This may count as the most fun campaign prep ever!
 This was the first activity of the 2016 Campaign. Ragamalika and I were the core group of letter-writers that went through all three sessions on the 25th.
We met the first group at Chamiers Cafe, where we ended up occupying two long tables. Enthusiastic and full of ideas, we churned out a variety of letters here--postcards addressed to specific offices, letters addressed very generally to categories of people, posters and flyers. Some of these needed to be sent to the addressee, but a few were tucked away here and there, to be found by other diners. One participant handed over a letter to another group explaining what we were doing. And we also shared cards and stamps with some of the staff. We hope everyone wrote the letters they were planning to write! Most of the group then disbanded.
Our second stop was Coffee Central, a cosy cafe in T.Nagar. A much smaller group met here, but the words continued to flow... mostly! We wrote reflective notes, we wrote apologies and we wrote to our kids. We also got others in the cafe to write a note, addressed to parents around the world!
The third stop was at the Food Court in Phoenix Mal and by now, there was just the core left. We were joined by Prajnya's Administrator, Santha. As we settled down with our papers spread out, a security attendant very politely requested us to please leave. People were not allowed linger in the Food Court doing anything other than eating and taking selfies. Out of consideration for her, we packed up sooner than scheduled, quietly placing some of our letters around the mall.
I cannot tell you how much I enjoyed this activity and on how many levels. First of all, picking out stationery is always delightful. Then, the physical pleasure of writing deliberately on a sheet of paper--taking trouble over both the words and their transcription-constitutes an almost-meditative experience. Third, the process of identifying what you want to say, who you need to say it to, how you want to phrase it and the tone you want to adopt, and finally putting it down on paper is an empowering one. It cuts to the heart of the helplessness we feel faced with something as huge as 'one in three women face abuse in their lifetime.' It gives each of us a sense of agency. Finally, it reminds us of the geneology of online petitions. They began with letters that were copied by hand laboriously and mailed to decision-makers and editors around the world. This power remains with us. We should exercise it more often! 
To read all the letters we wrote, see our Facebook album.
What did I write? You should join us too!